moving on
When I said that I am starting a new chapter of my life, I meant every single word of it. I wanted so because it is so difficult to live in the past and let the same things hurt you over and over again. Well, very few people knew what really happened and I think it is best to keep it that way. I am just writing this post to share what I felt before I end up with the decision to move forward.
When I found out about the 'thing', I was devastated. My world was really crashing right in front of me and there was nothing I could have done to stop it at that time. I felt the pain that I never knew existed. I was so angry and I said things I probably meant but didn't want to verbalize. Do you know how it feels to give your 100% trust then have someone tear it into tiny irreversible pieces? It was the hardest thing in the world. I felt like I was so stupid for being naive and trusting someone I shouldn't have. I now know that I wasn't.
I wanted the people involved to suffer. I wanted them to feel double the pain that I was feeling that time. But then I saw them happy and moving on without a single drop of regret for what they have done to me. It was unfair, I thought. It hurts so much for people you trusted to betray you but it hurts the worst when you find out that they felt no remorse and that given the chance they would do the same thing over again to hurt you. Revenge was my only friend. I now know that it wasn't.
There was no use of me dwelling into the wrongdoings they have done to me. I decided that I would be the bigger person here and seek for the forgiveness in my heart. But get this right, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Every single detail that could remind me of the 'thing' gets me upset. Every time that I am not preoccupied, all I could think of was the all the betrayal that I got while I was striving to work abroad. It hurts a hell lot. I literally cried a river over this thing but then I realized that I am only hurting myself by doing so. I now know I shouldn't do that to myself.
It is true that once trust is shattered it is very difficult to put it back together again. I am still afraid that this hideous 'thing' might happen again but I now leave it all up to fate. I honestly felt like giving one last chance is possible, It may still work, or even if it doesn't I could proudly say to myself that I did not give up so quickly. It is now up to those people involved if they will do that again to me, as for me I am moving forward with the beautiful life that I have ahead of me.
For those who are now broken, remember this: You have the right to be damaged but don't stay that way. Sometimes you have to see what you have so long built get destroyed so that you would know what you are really made of. It will give you the ability to build yourself all over again, but this time you will surely be stronger than ever.
Take it from me, I have been there.
yours truly,
bigger, better, stronger The Flying Mermaid
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